C'mon, isn't he a heartthrob? Those eyes! That gentle, loving face! That precious overbite! In 1981, this was exactly the dude whose picture we ripped out of Tiger Beat and hung on our walls. He's way hotter than anyone Blair ever dated. I had a hell of a crush on him. I also had a crush on Mike Reno of Loverboy at the time.
And this is my dude/boyfriend/partner whatever is one's preferred term for an unmarried committed opposite-sex bedfellow.
What can I say, I like cute, friendly-looking white guys with blue eyes.
Eddie was the first of the girls' boyfriends to recur, and I know I wasn't the only one pining for him. Facts gave us Eddie as a great character whose stagnation helped to highlight Jo's growth, and then whose own growth broke all of our hearts. Even as we knew that their lives were heading in different directions and that it was best for them to go their separate ways, we wanted Jo and Eddie to work out. We wanted an Eddie of our own, who would come back after a separation and just explode with chemistry, and we were devastated when it became clear that it just was not going to work out.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Because this was such a poignant saga, and because it's one of very, very few continuing story arcs in the series, I've decided to recap the arc's episodes back to back, and take you with me on the painful journey that is: The Ballad of Jo and Eddie.
We open, as we often do, in the cafeteria, where Natalie the Awesome complains about what slobs the Eastland girls are, and that if they'd just clean up after themselves, she'd have less work. A half-assed subplot of this episode involves high school debate, and Mrs. Garrett asks Blair if she's all ready for the big debate tomorrow. She says yes, now that she has practiced her disdainful stare and sarcastic chuckle.
Tootie bursts in, Jo trailing behind her, and announces that Jo made the debating team! Apparently their first debate is the big one tomorrow against Bates Academy. Mrs. Garrett is confident that the girls will cream them, but Blair is worried about Bink Parker, the best debater at Bates. Is Facts just an ongoing piss-take about what rich people name their kids?
Also, I was a nationally competitive debater for seven years in middle school, high school, and college in the mid-80s to early-90s, and you don't join the team one day and go to a big debate the next. There's a ton of work that has to be done in preparation; it's not about just Blair's sarcastic chuckle (which, by the way, would not take her very far in real debate), it's about research, analysis, facts, quick thinking, and creative argumentation. Also, debate tournaments are tournaments, meaning that it's not one school against another, it's a whole bunch of schools competing against each other in one place. I acknowledge that it's possible that things changed in the few years between Jo's debate debut and mine, but debate, like the law, isn't an institution that cares to embrace change (I got screwed out of a debate honor in 1992 because they didn't give that particular honor to girls then).
But either the powers that be figured that debate nerds weren't watching Facts, or they didn't feel the need to bother with the technicalities. Listen to Me, 1989's contribution to bringing debate to pop culture was a crap movie, even though it stars a Facts alumna. Debate pops up every now and then in pop culture, but it's never about the interesting stuff, namely the sex and drugs. Pretty much every entry into debauchery I ever had was through debate. I also acknowledge that I'm probably the only person on the planet who thinks this much about such things.
Mrs. Garrett gets closer to the seedy underbelly of high school debate by commenting that the debate is an opportunity to meet "those foxy Bates boys." While we all know that meeting Bates boys is not a problem for Eastland girls, this line is necessary for Jo to point out that she's not interested in the stuffy Bates boys, because she has the best: Eddie. She announces that what he said in the last letter he sent is "sheer poetry." Indeed:
"The Navy's working me like a dog. Every night my tongue's dragging on the floor. Keeping you in my head is the only way I get through the grind. When I hold a mop, I'm holding you. When I grab a pan, I'm grabbing you. When I peel a potato, I'm peeling you."
Jo says that they're super-serious, and she wishes her mom liked him more. Then she decides to go call her mom to tell her that she made the debating team. Jo, eager to share the news with her mother, dials her from the pay phone in the lounge, and is surprised when a man named Jack answers. The surprise turns to confusion, horror, and then judgment when she finds out that Jack is her mother's live-in friend.
Having never been the child of divorced or unmarried parents, I can't really offer any personal insight into the feelings one has when finding out that one's single parent is involved with a new beau. I can imagine that it's shitty to find out that your mom is living with someone she hasn't even mentioned dating, but I'd like to believe that I'd support my parents' efforts to find happiness even if it wasn't with each other. I don't know. I suppose my lack of experience should just lead me to check out of this analysis. Anyway, Jo, don't worry, we never see Jack, nor do we ever hear from him again.
Jo tells her mom she has to go do homework and abruptly hangs up. She goes on a rampage about how her mother must have just shipped her off to the "girlstown" of Eastland so she could get her out of the way. While Mrs. Garrett protests that that's not true, that Jo's mom just wanted her to have a good education, Blair notes that while she and Jo don't usually agree, Blair also thinks Jo's mother's actions were "scuzzy." Seventh-grade Tootie is in Jo's mother's camp, though. According to her, "some of the best people are shacking up."
After declaring that she's "surrounded by X-rated kids!" (ha ha ha, Mrs. G. You'd have a heart attack if they time-traveled you to the digital age), Mrs. Garrett insists that Jo call her mother and talk it out. Of course she does - "talk out your problems" is one of Mrs. G's signature phrases. Jo allows herself to be led back to the phone, and asks Mrs. Garrett for privacy. Mrs. Garrett reasonably agrees, not knowing that instead of calling her mother, Jo proceeds to place a person to person call to Seaman Recruit Eddie Brennan at the Great Lakes Naval Training Center. Dun dun dun!
We fade back to the cafeteria, where our adorable E-1 Eddie enters through the back door, which is weird, but whatever. Fabulous Natalie does her best Mae West "Hello, Sailor!"
Dreamboat Eddie gets shy while Natalie explains that she just couldn't resist saying that, because she's awesome, and that she recognizes him from the picture Jo keeps in their room.
As far as I can tell, this is the only picture near Jo's space in the room that could possibly be of Eddie.
 |
| Sorry about Tootie's shoulder. This is the best shot there is. |
But perhaps I'm confusing my memory of Jo's wall with my memory of my own.
Jo enters the cafeteria and is surprised and delighted to see Eddie. Damn, these two had chemistry.
Jo kicks Natalie out, and Eddie explains that when he heard Jo on the phone so upset, he could tell she needed him, so he hitched a ride. He brought her favorite: nuts and chews. They hug and kiss some more, but nothing beyond a peck, probably because Nancy McKeon is 14 or 15 and Clark Brandon is about 22 at this point. Also because Mrs. Garrett pops in and interrupts them. Jo introduces Eddie and then says they'll be in the lounge catching up.
In the lounge, Jo continues to complain about her mother, noting that she called this morning to talk about how great Jack is. Jo doesn't think anything will be the same between them ever again. She sadly recalls some good memories with her mother, and when she's finished, Eddie assures her that no matter what, she has him, and he's the one who really cares about her.
The ring is from K-Mart, Eddie will pay it off in a couple of years, and it's too big for Jo so they make it fit with tape. I can't mock these things, as I did all of them back then too. Eddie says that now that they both know they can't count on anyone but each other, he wants to marry her.
Yikes! Jo says she always knew they'd be married someday, but she's only 16. He protests that on the way back to Chicago they can stop in West Virginia, where 16 is the legal age. Of course it is. And yuck. Jo says she's not even finished with high school yet, and she'd hate to blow what her mom spent on Eastland. Eddie tells her that she can't worry about that now, that he's lonely without her. She reasonably protests, and he creepily keeps trying to talk her into it. But watching it as a female tween raised in the '70s and '80s, it just made me swoon. And he's so cute.
Then we learn that he's AWOL and he needs to start back to Chicago tomorrow. It's 823 miles from Chicago to Peekskill, and I can't imagine he was able to hitch a straight shot, so my best guess is that by the time he gets back, he'll have been AWOL for at least four or five days. Can you get away with that? I figured the leash would be pretty tight on E-1s and it would be nigh on impossible to break out for even a night.
That's not even the worst part though. The worst part is that Jo thinks this gesture of stupidly going AWOL when the ink is barely dry on his recruitment contract is a sweet, romantic gesture. She promises to think about his proposal, and he agrees to get a room at the YMCA for the night (so he'll be even later getting back to base). He leaves her with the image of a mailbox reading, "Mr. and Mrs. Eddie Brennan." Again, what makes me barf now made me swoon then.
Fade back to the cafeteria, where for some reason Tootie and Natalie are playing catch with the dishes. I guess it's the next day, because Blair is chewing Jo out for blowing the debate. Jo protests that she had other things on her mind. Yeah, I can understand that. A proposal is kinda heavy. Blair is annoyed by Jo's preoccupation with Eddie when she should have been focused on the debate, and Jo gets defensive, saying that at least Eddie's ready to prove how he feels. She tries to brush it aside when the girls start asking questions, but Blair calls her out on the ring. Natalie and Tootie start gushing while Blair questions the ring's authenticity.
Persuaded (one way or another) that Eddie's proposal was indeed for real, Blair points out that it's obvious that Jo should say no, since she's only sixteen and all. Jo argues that Juliet was only thirteen when she married Romeo, and Blair reminds her that their wedding night ended less than ideally. Jo tries to argue that if they hadn't croaked, it would have worked out great, and anyway it's her decision.
Jo stalks out of the cafeteria, leaving Blair to sigh that now she has to come up with one of her "brilliant ideas" to prevent Jo from marrying Eddie. She comes up with the bright idea of telling Bink Parker from Bates that she'll go out with him. Sure, she thinks he's a weenie, but he's the best debater at Bates, so if anyone can talk Jo and Eddie out of getting married, it's he. Here we have yet another inaccurate characterization of debaters, as I don't recommend ever involving one to handle sensitive personal and social issues.
Later, Jo approaches Mrs. Garrett in the lounge, removing her ring as she does so, while Mrs. Garrett plays Tootie's handheld football game. Raise your hand if you had one of these.
Jo asks Mrs. Garrett whether she thinks Romeo and Juliet were too young to get married. Jo tries to make the case that if they loved each other so much, it had to have worked out. Mrs. Garrett points out that they'd have to find a place to live, and without support from their parents, they'd have to find a way to pay the bills. Both Juliet and Romeo would have to work, and they'd be tired all the time and see very little of each other, and of course, there's the issue of "little Romeos and Juliets," and neither Romeo nor Juliet would be likely to ever finish high school. This conversation is clearly making Jo think, until our resident genius Blair comes in and asks Jo if she and Eddie would like to double for dinner with her and Bink Parker tonight. Jo is suspicious, but finally becomes convinced of Blair's sincerity and agrees. Blair and Jo go upstairs to get ready for the double date, leaving Mrs. Garrett alone in the lounge.
Oooh, you're clever, Mrs. G.! We fade out as Mrs. Garrett asks directory assistance for the listing of Rose Polniaczek.
Our next scene takes us to the fancy schmancy French restaurant that Jo has mandated for their date. Bink Parker continues to be surprised that Blair finally agreed to go out with him. Now he looks like a proper debate geek.
He tries to make a move on Blair, who brushes him off and tells him that when Jo and Eddie arrive, she'll steer the conversation to marriage and then Bink is to tell them what a stupid idea it is. Bink disagrees that that's the proper debate technique for the situation, and he sounds like a douchebag. Most of us top debaters were pretty nerdy, but many of us were lovely people. Some of them were indeed douchebags, though, and I suspect that Bink Parker is one of them.
Bink's lecture about "the secret of debating" is mercifully cut short by Jo and Eddie's entrance. Jo is dressed up and has her hair down, which is rare for the early seasons, although it is the second time in five episodes that she's been thus gussied up. Y'know, character development takes time.
Pleasantries are exchanged, and the fancy-pants server brings the fancy-pants chalkboard menu.
Eddie announces that since it's his party, the meal's on him and he'll order for everyone. Then in a moment that is a bit too contrived and insulting, he misreads "biftek aux champignons" as "breakfast o' champions" and asks if $15 isn't a bit steep for Wheaties. Blair corrects him that it's French for beef steak with mushrooms, and Eddie quickly overcomes his shame to order that particular dish and soup and salad for everyone.
Bink the douchebag then fiddles with his calculator and tells Eddie how much he's just spent. When Eddie argues that it's just the cost of the entree times four, Blair points out that soup and salad are extra. Realizing that he doesn't have enough money to cover it (remember this is in the days when getting a credit card was a rarity), Eddie accepts Bink's offer to cover it and promises to pay him back. Bink, previously described by Blair as "practically a genius," takes this opportunity to declare that Eddie's faux pas with the bill demonstrates how teenagers are unprepared for marriage, and Jo and Eddie will find themselves in way over their heads and need someone to bail them out. I told you not to let debaters manage social situations.
Jo, no fool, has by now figured out that Blair contrived the dinner to sic Bink Parker on her and Eddie. She summons Blair, who is by now justifiably terrified, to the ladies' room.
In the ladies' room, Blair tells Jo that she's doing this out of friendship, because she thinks Jo has real potential. She encourages Jo to finish high school and go to the right college first, and then she'll be ready for a real marriage. There are some cheesy Blair-Jo tension jokes in there too, but through the objective lens of the seriousness of the issue, Blair is exactly right. Jo insists that she can finish high school and college whether she's married or not, and Blair says no, she'll be too busy having babies and trying to make ends meet, because that's the way it will be with a guy like Eddie. His pay is low, he doesn't have a high school diploma, and he's going nowhere.
D'oh! Y'know, just as important to this episode as the message of "teenage marriage is bad, mmkay," is the more subtle message of how by trying to help her, Jo's friends are just driving her away. She's a rebellious, petulant teen (join the club) smitten with a boy who she thinks is the only one who understands her. Every time someone suggests anything that she could interpret as "Eddie isn't good enough," or "Eddie is bad for you," she is going to take it as further proof that it's she and Eddie against the world, and she's going to be more inclined to throw her lot in with him. To wit:
"OK Blair, you've proved that Eddie and I are two dumb kids, in way over our heads, with no money, no education, and no chance. That's why it's going to be even sweeter when we make it work. Y'know, tonight, I was going to say no to Eddie. But you helped me realize he's the only one I can trust. And maybe we don't have anything else, but we have each other, and that's enough."
And so Jo goes back into the restaurant, and tells Eddie she wants to get married right away. Somehow, I don't think marriage for spite is the most stable foundation for a long-lasting relationship...
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