I don't love this episode. It's not the first time and not the last that Tootie's gossip is an issue, and the biggest issue in the episode is not even all Tootie's fault. I guess when the last two episodes were the heart-wrenching two-parter that opens The Ballad of Jo and Eddie, a little stinker is forgivable. We also have a Very Special Episode coming up next week, but we don't know that yet.
We open, as we so often do, in the cafeteria. Blair has just gotten a new sweatshirt which she says will be perfect for the galleries. My mother had this sweatshirt.
No one will play with her; they are all too busy preparing for the trip. She even offers to give Nancy, who has come by to browse the theater section of the New York Times in preparation for her rendezvous with her boyfriend Roger, an extra ten thousand dollars of game money. Poor, sad child.
Trying another tack to get attention, Tootie eagerly announces that she has some dirt on the headmaster. She succeeds in grabbing everyone's interest, but she fails to impress Jo and Blair with the news that Mr. Harris wears a toupee. They scoff that it's old news and call her that most painful of insults when you're a tween: kid.
Tootie protests that she's not a kid and she didn't want to go on their dumb boring stupid trip to New York anyway.
She follows her tantrum with a plaintive "Why can't I go?" and Mrs. Garrett explains that the trip is only for the upperclasswomen.
It's a perfect time for Natalie to pop in and ask if they like her jeans for the trip. Natalie gets to tag along because she's writing an article on the UN for the student newspaper. The three girls who get to travel shuffle off together to discuss the trip, while poor Tootie stays forlorn with her empty Monopoly board.
Mrs. Garrett offers Tootie milk and cookies, while Tootie wishes that she were big.
This is not the only time that Tootie laments about being younger than the other girls. If I wrote fanfic, I would write one about Tootie going to a carnival and waking up as an adult.
Now, though, Tootie dolefully heads upstairs, and once she's gone, Mrs. G mentions to Howard the chef that she'd better get headed out to her eye appointment, where she expects that she'll have to get her eyes dilated. That's Chekhov's eye dilation to you.
Upstairs, Tootie approaches the bedroom door and hears Jo and Blair talking inside.
After Blair secures Jo's assurance that where she comes from, "You squeal and they ship your tongue to Cleveland," Blair explains: she wants Jo to cover for her on Saturday night when she plans to sneak out of the hotel and go out with Roger. Nancy's Roger.
Roger is taking Blair to see Baryshnikov. Why he's taking her instead of Nancy is not explained. Jo refers to Baryshnikov as "some leapin' Lithuanian," which seems too ignorant for Jo to me, but I guess it's still pretty early in her character development. She makes a comment about how pissed Nancy will be when she finds out that Blair is stealing her guy.
Blair: "I'm not after Roger! I'm after Baryshnikov."
Nancy busts Tootie listening through the door and they go in to the room together. Nancy seeks Blair's advice about the fact that she just got off the phone with Roger, and he cancelled on her for Saturday.
Blair feigns sympathy, claims she has to help Jo tune up her bike, grabs Jo, and bails, leaving Nancy in the room with Tootie.
Tootie offers to lend a sympathetic ear, but Nancy says that she needs to find someone older who will understand. As she's just about out the door, Tootie singsongs, "I guess you wouldn't be interested in what I know about ROG-ER!"
Tootie spills it, and after agonizing that she'll kill him, Blair, and herself, Nancy bolts out the door, livid. Tootie is pleased with herself as she muses that "Blair is in trou-ble."
Downstairs, Nancy confronts Blair and they snipe at each other, until Blair demands to know who told her. "A very close friend!" is all Nancy will disclose before taking her revenge with the handy tools she finds nearby.
Jo, who has conveniently entered the room, asks what's up with Nancy and Blair turns her fury on Jo, thinking she must've been the one who told Nancy. Jo is equally furious, indignant that Blair would dare suggest that she went back on her word. It gets ugly.
Tootie's class A dirt, meanwhile, has turned her into a minor Eastland celebrity as Sue Ann and Nancy follow Tootie around trying to get more on the Blair and Roger story.
In the kitchen, Mrs. Garrett has returned from her eye appointment. They dilated her eyes and she's very wobbly. She stumbles into the dining room where Tootie, who is now alone, hears her say "I'll just sleep it off." She knocks over a tray of napkin holders and a chair before Tootie makes a joke about how her uncle was like that, especially on Saturday nights. Mrs. Garrett doesn't help when she says that "It's amazing what a couple of drops can do to your vision." They trade a few more innuendos before Mrs. Garrett heads upstairs.
I think it's pretty important to note here that Tootie isn't judgy at all. She seems, in fact, to find the whole thing hilarious, which I think is great. I'm constantly on a mission to reduce the stigma against drunks. Of course alcohol can be super destructive and if you're drinking instead of fulfilling your responsibilities, then you've got a problem. But if you're off for the afternoon and you decide to have a lunch bender, that shouldn't bother anyone at all. Good for you, Tootie.
Natalie returns to the cafeteria as Tootie giggles. Natalie wants to know what's up of course, and Tootie informs her that Mrs. Garrett was just in the room and she was really "funny." Nat points out that she's always funny. Tootie clarifies:
I have to say that what happens next really isn't Tootie's fault. When Sue Ann and Cindy return to the cafeteria, Natalie is the one who tells them that there's some great gossip, and Natalie is the one who spills the beans over Tootie's protestations. Typically, Natalie can do no wrong, but she really screws the pooch here. It's really on her that the story gets back to Headmaster Harris, whom we hear declaring that "appropriate steps will have to be taken" as we fade to commercial.
When we return from commercial, Mr. Harris has dropped in to visit Mrs. Garrett, who continues to innocently call suspicion to herself as she sprays her plants with a mister made out of a Chianti bottle while singing "How Dry I Am."
The Three's Company style misunderstanding continues as Mr. Harris says that he heard a nasty rumor going around while he adjusts his, er, hair.
Mrs. G: "Oh, it got back to you..."
Mr. Harris: "It certainly did."
Mrs. G: "Well, I think folks will forget about it if we all just ignore it, don't you?"
Mr. Harris: "Mrs. Garrett! This is a very serious matter!"
Mrs. G: "I understand, Mr. Harris. It is serious. To you. But no one else is going to lose any hair - er, sleep - over it."
Mr. Harris: "Well obviously I can't let you take those girls to New York!"
Mrs. G: "Oh, Mr. Harris, good heavens! Who are the girls going to tell in New York? Don't you think you're overreacting a bit?"
Mr. Harris: "Well that is not the point! The point is that I'm very concerned about your drinking problem!"
Mr. Harris tells her that it's all over campus, and Mrs. G. stops just short of actually saying the words "bullshit." She explains that she had been to the eye doctor, and Mr. Harris believes her - once she shows him her eyeglasses prescription.
Mrs. G puts the pieces together that the rumor must have started with Tootie, whose reputation precedes her as Mr.s Garrett declares her "in trou-ble."
Downstairs, Blair, Natalie, Tootie, Sue Ann, Nancy, and Cindy are all combing over the goss. Blair doesn't believe it and Tootie is mortified. Props to the writers/director for not putting Jo in this scene. It would have strained credulity to have Jo partaking in the gossip, even if she didn't believe it. Now if only they could have remembered that Natalie is a goddess.
The girls shush each other as Mrs. Garrett enters the room. She summons Tootie to the kitchen for a word.
Tootie defends herself, saying she just passed on a little information and it got out of hand through no fault of her own. Well, clearly it's not no fault of Tootie's, but it's not all her fault. Natalie should really be in there getting read the riot act too).
Mr. G points out that she could have gotten fired, and that Tootie could have asked her what was going on and found out that she'd had her eyes dilated at the doctor's office. Tootie is delighted to discover that Mrs. G doesn't have a drinking problem, and she magnanimously decides to "spread the good news" as fast as she can.
Before she can go, though, Mrs. G continues to shame Tootie, pointing out that Tootie's penchant for gossip has pissed a lot of people off recently. Tootie acknowledges that she's a blabber, but it's getting the older girls to pay attention to her. Our wise matriarch tells Tootie that while they might be paying attention to her, they'll never confide in her or trust her like a real friend. Tootie wants to make amends, and agrees to tell the girls the truth.
Out in the cafeteria, Tootie tells the girls that Mrs. Garrett was not drunk, but just "had her eyeballs diluted." And by the way, that secret that was just between Blair and Jo was actually among Blair, Jo, and Tootie.
The truth does not set Tootie free, but rather obligates her to Mrs. Garrett's fitting punishment. If she can't stop wagging her tongue, she's going to wag it over one thousand envelopes that need to be mailed.
Tootie laments that she knows what she'll be doing while the girls are in New York, and because all's well that ends well, the other girls decide to help. Hugs and licks all around. For now.
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