Make Love to the Camera (Recap episode 2-14, "Pretty Babies")

You know which one this is.

We open with Blair on the phone with this week's never-seen-boyfriend, Scott. He's obsessed with Blair's eyes apparently, you know, those "chestnut brown eyes with green and gold flecks." Jo is disgusted, Mrs. Garrett is amused, and Tootie comes into the room to declare:

"I'm tired of being underdeveloped."

Turns out she's talking about her photos. Apparently she's all into photography now, but her pictures just aren't coming out right (Blair: "I'm missing part of my head in this one!" Jo: "Yeah, just like real life.")

Recap episode 2-3 "Double Standard" or Rich dick gets skewered

One of the best things that ever happened to me at law school was when I found out that one of my classmates reads this blog. It was his birthday last week, so, as I did last year, I shall recap the episode of his choice, and it's a doozy.

We open with the girls, minus Blair, playing Scrabble while Mrs. G looks on and sort of backseat Scrabbles, much to Jo's annoyance. Enter Blair, with one of her patented white-boy-with-chiseled-features boyfriends.

Recap episode 5-20 "Dream Marriage" or marriage critique

Last week I wrote about the two weddings that took place on Facts, Mrs. Garrett's almost-wedding, plus a bonus sneak peek into mine. I was remiss in not including Jo's almost-wedding, that to Enrique in episode 8-8. Enrique was an undocumented immigrant whom Jo was going to marry to keep in the country.

So, Jo was almost married once (twice if you count the "Teenage Marriage" episodes) and married on the show. Mrs. Garrett was almost-married once and married on the show. Tootie was engaged at the end of the series to pretty much the only guy she ever dated during the run of the series. Natalie ain't the marrying kind, but she was the first to lose her virginity (to be linked when I write that recap). That leaves Blair.

Blair dated a lot; she's often reduced to the title of "the slutty one," even though I'm pretty sure Natalie dated more (but those are topics for other columns). The point is, Blair "Harvest Queen three years in a row" was the only one to not be engaged, married, or deflowered during the course of the series. And I bet this episode is why.

We open with Blair looking very Cinderella-y.

Recap episode 6-18 "With a Little Help from My Friends" or: This episode is probably the reason I never did coke

Guess what? I took the bar exam! Hooray! I think I probably passed but I'm prepared not to have. I find out in October and I'll let y'all know. And that's all I want to say about that.

Almost. We know that Blair took the LSAT and went to law school briefly, before she decided to buy Eastland and become its headmistress. I really really wish we could have seen Blair study for and take the bar exam, because I've been doing that for the past two and a half months, and misery loves company.

And once the bar exam is over, what does one look for? That's right, drugs! And since I've already recapped the one where Helen Hunt['s character] smokes a bong, We jump to season six, where Blair has a new boyfriend who (spoiler!) is up to no good...

And I don't mean he cheats at Battleship

Recap Episode 1-1: "Rough Housing"

Ladies, gentlemen, and anyone else, meet the very first episode of The Facts of Life: Rough Housing, in which princess Blair accuses jock Cindy of being a lesbian (but without using the 'l' word, of course), and Cindy manages it not by being out and proud, but by finally becoming attracted to her first boy.

We begin with our establishing shot in the girls' dorm house thingy. All the girls are there busy with something or other, and we soon learn they are setting up for the Harvest Fair. Lest we forget that this show is a spin-off of "Diff'rent Strokes," Mr. Drummond and Willis come in to pick up Kimberly and make some dumb jokes about crime in the city. 

Enter Cindy in a football jersey, hair tucked into her New York Yankees baseball hat, carrying a pig, which I guess is involved in the harvest fair somehow. There's some dialogue between Cindy and Willis in which Willis comments that Cindy looks like a boy, just in case we missed what they were going for.

Blair is standing at the bottom of the stairs buffing her nails, and thus our conflict gets its initial set-up.

Don't let Blair tell you she's never touched a pig.