David Bowie's Wontons - A note of thanks

"David Bowie has died."

Silence. Then my husband: "Did you hear that?"

I'd heard it, but I hadn't understood. I'd just opened my eyes; the alarm had gone off at 7:45 and those were literally (and I do mean literally) the first words I heard. Was it real? It couldn't be. But he'd heard it too, and NPR isn't given to broadcasting hoaxes.

We lay in the bed for a few minutes not saying anything. I heard my phone signal a text.

"David Bowie may he rest in peace. Died last night of cancer. Sorry. Love, Mom."

We had an appointment in town at 9:00 so after I made breakfast I got dressed in black pants, a black long-sleeved shirt and a black Bowie tank top. Life without Bowie had begun.

There are so many things to say about Bowie, and so many reasons he was such an important part of my life. I've spent much of this week thinking about that.

"I feel like a member of your family died. So I'm sending condolences. Sorry man. I cannot think of David Bowie without thinking of you!" -Melissa, friend since 1987

When I transferred from one college to another in 1995, my new school - which was a small school that strongly encouraged close bonding among its students, had us fill out a "getting to know you" questionnaire before orientation. One of the questions was the classic, "If you could have dinner with one famous person, whom would you choose and why?" I said Bowie, of course. And my reasoning was that he embodied everything beautiful about both male and female.

I think that was probably the first time that I expressed my discomfort with a gender binary, even if I didn't realize that was what I was doing. 

As I've written before, Jo was one of the reasons that I was so enamored with The Facts of Life initially. I didn't know that I needed a gender nonconforming role model, but there she was. That particular post gets viewed a lot, and recently I got a comment on it suggesting that of course Nancy McKeon is gay because she has that "lesbian look we can all easily recognize."

The whole post, and my whole philosophy, is that it's not about what a person looks like and how one presents. Of course Bowie, too, has become an LGBTQ icon, in large part due to his look in the 70s. It's interesting, really, because it's not exactly "feminine," but it sure as hell isn't "masculine."

And therein lies the point. The classifications of "masculine" and "feminine" are meaningless to many of us. Even the classifications of "male" and "female" are irrelevant for some of us. As far as I'm concerned, genitalia/internal plumbing is only relevant with respect to childbirth, and since I'm not interested in such a thing, genitalia is not a deal-breaker for me.

"RIP David Bowie. Thinking of you and know you are feeling the loss." - Larry, brother-in-law.

About three years ago, A friend of mine, N, asked me if I was queer. N identified as queer, and we had been having a conversation about the absurdity of gender expectations. I had only recently learned about being "queer," and it fit me indeed! But I had been dating my now-husband for about three years at that point, and I thought that once I was in a committed relationship with a man, I had to sacrifice my queer identity. N said no, N was also in a relationship with what would be called an "opposite-sex partner," and N reminded me that identity was internal, not defined by our external relationships with the world.

As far as sexual orientation is concerned, I had previously identified as bisexual. And I understood that an exclusive relationship with a man didn't make me straight. It took me a long time to explain to my guy that my identification as bisexual didn't require me to constantly be with both men and women, any more than his identification as a heterosexual man requires him to be with blondes and redheads as well as with me. N helped me understand that this was also the case for my gender identity, and I feel much more comfortable with my new identity as a queer pansexual. And my husband embraces has learned to embrace it too.

"I'm really sorry to hear about db. At least he lived long enough to appear at your wedding."* - Valerie, sister.

*DB himself was not at my wedding, but I walked down the aisle to the song "Lady Grinning Soul" and had several DB songs play during the reception. It is also worth noting that the officiant at my wedding is a person I met online on a David Bowie message board before meeting people on line was a thing people did.

There are three crucial non-personal influences in my life: The Facts of Life, David Bowie, and the Muppets. They've all crossed paths. The title of this post, "David Bowie's Wontons," comes from Facts episode 5-3, "Gamma Gamma or Bust." The girls cater a party using a celebrity cookbook, and one of their dishes is David Bowie's wontons. And I know I'm not the only one who would have liked a shot at them! 

While the Muppets didn't explicitly discuss sexual identity and gender issues, the two main characters were, though male and female, a frog and a pig, and maybe I made my own metaphor from that. Bowie and Facts gave me explicit permission to be gender nonconforming and proud of it.

I'm happy to say that we are living in a time when gender expectations are being discussed and questioned; I'm happy that I can write this public post about my identity and gender nonconformity without having to worry about pitchforks coming my way. We still have a long way to go, but the dialogue is happening, and I am part of it.

"Heard the news about Bowie and thought of you. I hope you're doing all right." - Countless wonderful people in my life.

Yeah, I'll be OK. Thanks.