Make Love to the Camera (Recap episode 2-14, "Pretty Babies")

You know which one this is.

We open with Blair on the phone with this week's never-seen-boyfriend, Scott. He's obsessed with Blair's eyes apparently, you know, those "chestnut brown eyes with green and gold flecks." Jo is disgusted, Mrs. Garrett is amused, and Tootie comes into the room to declare:

"I'm tired of being underdeveloped."

Turns out she's talking about her photos. Apparently she's all into photography now, but her pictures just aren't coming out right (Blair: "I'm missing part of my head in this one!" Jo: "Yeah, just like real life.")

The Facts of Sexual Harassment in Hollywood: #NotThisShow

The floodgates have opened and women and children in Hollywood have finally been coming forward and being believed about the abuse they suffered at the hands of powerful grown men. Notably, Facts alumna Molly Ringwald wrote a powerful account in the New Yorker about her own experience as a young actress.

When I was thirteen, a fifty-year-old crew member told me that he would teach me to dance, and then proceeded to push against me with an erection. When I was fourteen, a married film director stuck his tongue in my mouth on set. At a time when I was trying to figure out what it meant to become a sexually viable young woman, at every turn some older guy tried to help speed up the process. And all this went on despite my having very protective parents who did their best to shield me. I shudder to think of what would have happened had I not had them.

When I read this, the first thing I did was the math. Could any of this have happened on the Facts of Life set?

Recap episode 8-6 "The Little Chill" or Reunions with love...or not

Reunion. Two weeks ago, the Boulder Rugby Football Club held its 50th anniversary reunion celebration. It was a beautiful time, and I left with my legs bruised and my heart full.

In the eighth season of Facts, the girls have a reunion with most of their old season one friends and castmates.

We open to Tootie and Natalie hanging a sign to welcome Sue Ann, Cindy, and Nancy, series regulars back in season one, to Peekskill. Young Andy enthuses that he can't believe he's going to meet cover-girl Cindy Baker. You'll recall that Cindy was very much a tomboy back in the day, so score yet another one for the Facts writers thumbing their noses at stereotypes.

Recap episode 2-3 "Double Standard" or Rich dick gets skewered

One of the best things that ever happened to me at law school was when I found out that one of my classmates reads this blog. It was his birthday last week, so, as I did last year, I shall recap the episode of his choice, and it's a doozy.

We open with the girls, minus Blair, playing Scrabble while Mrs. G looks on and sort of backseat Scrabbles, much to Jo's annoyance. Enter Blair, with one of her patented white-boy-with-chiseled-features boyfriends.

Recap Episode 9-3 "Rumor Has It" or: Blair goes to law school and is a badass

I've already recapped the bizarre episode in which Blair takes the LSAT after studying for one night and somehow doesn't completely blow it. I keep forgetting, though, that Blair actually went to law school. Presumably she drops out when she becomes the Eastland headmistress at the end of the series. Of course, given the amount of time she spends studying when she's in law school during season nine, maybe Langley Law just isn't all that rigorous.

Our first opportunity to enjoy Blair in the law school environment comes in this episode: Rumor Has It that Blair is hooking up with one of her law professors. It's a pretty heavy episode, actually, and is a great example of how Blair's character truly grew throughout the series.

Recap episode 5-20 "Dream Marriage" or marriage critique

Last week I wrote about the two weddings that took place on Facts, Mrs. Garrett's almost-wedding, plus a bonus sneak peek into mine. I was remiss in not including Jo's almost-wedding, that to Enrique in episode 8-8. Enrique was an undocumented immigrant whom Jo was going to marry to keep in the country.

So, Jo was almost married once (twice if you count the "Teenage Marriage" episodes) and married on the show. Mrs. Garrett was almost-married once and married on the show. Tootie was engaged at the end of the series to pretty much the only guy she ever dated during the run of the series. Natalie ain't the marrying kind, but she was the first to lose her virginity (to be linked when I write that recap). That leaves Blair.

Blair dated a lot; she's often reduced to the title of "the slutty one," even though I'm pretty sure Natalie dated more (but those are topics for other columns). The point is, Blair "Harvest Queen three years in a row" was the only one to not be engaged, married, or deflowered during the course of the series. And I bet this episode is why.

We open with Blair looking very Cinderella-y.

Short Engagements: What do I have in common with Mrs. Garrett and Jo?

According to wedding website The Knot, the average engagement is fourteen months. Tootie was likely engaged for something like that. She got engaged in episode 9-7 and was still engaged, planning her wedding, when the series ended. Victor and I were engaged for two months. There's no right or wrong, of course, but you know which other engagements were short? The other ones on Facts! Casual viewers may not remember that besides Tootie's engagement, there were three weddings planned (and two executed) in the course of the series: two for Mrs. Garrett (one that took) and one for Jo. And then there was mine.

Also starring: the corresponding spouses.

I know. Them's some white-ass muthafuckas.

Couple number one: Edna Garrett and Ted Metcalfe. Wedding scheduled for episode 6-17 "Two Guys from Appleton."

Couple number two: Edna Garrett and Bruce Gaines. Wedding scheduled for episode 8-1 "Out of Peekskill."

Couple number three: Jo Polniaczek and Rick Bonner. Wedding scheduled for episode 9-19 "Till Marriage Do Us Part."

Couple number four: Vikki and Victor. Wedding scheduled for December 31, 2015.

Before I continue, please note that photos from my wedding are courtesy of Elizabeth Livingston and Cindy McElhiney, dear friends who photographed the event.

Background

Edna and Ted

Edna and Ted were high school sweethearts. They had dated for a year and a half when Ted gave Edna his pin and they enjoyed their first kiss. Two and a half years later, they were supposed to go to a dance together. Ted was late because he got held up working at his father's hardware store. (NB:When George Clooney appeared in season eight he also worked at his father's hardware store. This comes from Charlotte Rae's memories of her father's own hardware store.) While she was waiting for Ted to pick her up, a vacuum cleaner salesman came by the door, and she was smitten. So she dumped Ted's ring on his doorstep and never talked to him again.

Recap episode 5-23 "Seems Like Old Times" or: The tragic conclusion of the Ballad of Jo and Eddie

Sorry about the delay, dear readers, but I assure you that I've been working on something awesome if it comes to fruition. It's not related to the delay; the delay is only because I've been partying at Riot Fest in both Denver and Chicago. But I swear you'll totally forgive me for the delay if my thing happens.

Regardless, we have a tragic ballad to finish. We've been with our star-crossed lovers during their aborted attempt to elope and during their heartbreaking realization that it would be best for both of them to see other people. Although Jo's attraction to Bob, her simulated husband, was a contributing factor to the pseudo-breakup, she doesn't continue to see him and we never hear of him again. I understand that. No matter how much she liked him, it would have been incredibly painful to pursue anything with him after his being so entangled in the Eddie situation. But she went out with a dude whose name I forget in season four's "A Woman's Place," and she dated rich boy Bill in season five's brilliant "Just My Bill." Eventually, she would be the only one of the core four to get married on the show, wedding Rick Bonner in season nine. I desperately want to call Rick a poor, poor substitute for the glorious Eddie Brennan, but alas, it was Eddie himself who destroyed his reputation with his own poor judgment. Poor Eddie. Poor beautiful, dumb Eddie.

We know how it ends. Let us watch as it unfolds.

Recap Episode 3-7 "Sweet Sorrow" or: Eddie Brennan returns

In the middle of season two, we met the man that could melt Jo's steel heart. By the end of that two-part episode, Jo had decided that it was a bad idea to get married at 16 without having finished high school, and last we saw, a heartbroken Eddie Brennan was catching the midnight bus back to his base in Chicago.

Though their relationship status was ambiguous at the end of that episode, it's clear at the beginning of this episode that they're very much still together. Eddie paces the Eastland cafeteria, waiting for Jo's return from class.

Recap episode 2-8 "Teenage Marriage, Part 2 or: Then Jo Ran Off with Eddie

Previously on The Facts of Life:

When we last saw Jo and Eddie 
They was runnin' off to wed
Blair 'n' Edna tried to stop 'em
But they pushed 'em close instead
Jo said, "Only Eddie gets me!"
Eddie said, "Babe, say 'I do!'" 
And they rushed right out of dinner
And so now I bring to you...

...the conclusion of "Teenage Marriage."

Recap episode 2-7 "Teenage Marriage, Part 1 or: The Ballad of Jo and Eddie

Last week while catching several Facts episodes on Logo with my sister (more on how Logo hacks up the episodes in another post), we ran across all but one episode featuring Jo's first true love: Eddie Brennan.

C'mon, isn't he a heartthrob? Those eyes! That gentle, loving face! That precious overbite! In 1981, this was exactly the dude whose picture we ripped out of Tiger Beat and hung on our walls. He's way hotter than anyone Blair ever dated. I had a hell of a crush on him. I also had a crush on Mike Reno of Loverboy at the time. 

And this is my dude/boyfriend/partner whatever is one's preferred term for an unmarried committed opposite-sex bedfellow.

What can I say, I like cute, friendly-looking white guys with blue eyes.

Eddie was the first of the girls' boyfriends to recur, and I know I wasn't the only one pining for him. Facts gave us Eddie as a great character whose stagnation helped to highlight Jo's growth, and then whose own growth broke all of our hearts. Even as we knew that their lives were heading in different directions and that it was best for them to go their separate ways, we wanted Jo and Eddie to work out. We wanted an Eddie of our own, who would come back after a separation and just explode with chemistry, and we were devastated when it became clear that it just was not going to work out.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Because this was such a poignant saga, and because it's one of very, very few continuing story arcs in the series, I've decided to recap the arc's episodes back to back, and take you with me on the painful journey that is: The Ballad of Jo and Eddie.

Jo, Blair, Natalie and Tootie all had boyfriends, and here they are.

Today was going to be my first recap post, but I've received an inquiry of sorts from a follower which I will address instead. hobbywizard says:

"I don't recall any of them having boyfriends...ever."

hobbywizard, darling, your recollection is faulty. While it is absolutely true that the focus of the show was more about the relationships among the girls/women than their relationship to men, there were plenty of boyfriends of varying regularity throughout the show's run. In fact, the first entry was going to feature a rundown of boyfriends, but I found the task too monumental for the intro post, plus it just would have taken up too damn much space. But it's perfect for a post of its own!

Wait wait, wasn't Jo gay?

When I mention how much I like the show and how my own "WWJD" mantra stands for "What Would Jo Do," I am often asked whether Jo was gay. Not according to the show, nope. In fact, her love interests were relatively stable and she was the only one (besides Mrs. Garrett) to marry a dude on the show.

It bears noting that all of our heroines were decidedly heterosexual, and homosexuality or even bi-curiosity was never hinted at in any character (which makes it slightly less progressive, arguably, than Sweet Valley High).

The pilot of The Facts of Life takes a sideways glance at lesbianism, sort of. It's not the show's proudest moment. The 1979 pilot treatment was the only time the show even hinted that homosexuals existed. On the one hand, this is extremely sad for a show that's as progressive as this one was. On the other hand, it was 1979-1988, so I'm willing to give the show a pass for not covering everything..