The First Amendment doesn't protect a douchebag teacher from pissing off the wrong student (recap episode 3-5 "Front Page")

Folks, this is among my favorite episodes of Facts. It’s one that I remembered but didn’t catch on TV in syndication for a long time. Either I kept missing it or the stations that were showing it at the time didn’t show it because it mentions cocaine. They kept “Dope” off the air for a long time, after all.

But I remembered this episode because, like Jo, I had some teachers who graded me more harshly than my peers because I had shown I was better. I get it, but it also kind of sucks. In my case, I didn’t deserve the C my senior year English teacher gave me on a paper, and when I challenged him about it, he said that he just wanted to keep me on my toes since I got in early to all the colleges I’d applied to. That was bullshit and I went to the head of the department and got the paper upgraded to the A that it deserved. I told the teacher to let me know when my work started sucking, and not to penalize me until then.

In Jo’s case here, I can see now, from an educator’s perspective, how Mr. Gideon thought he was just challenging a good student. But you know what? He was a total dick about it. If he’d been a better educator, he wouldn’t be in this mess.

Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me introduce you to our key players in this episode. We have:

Jo Polniaczek, Junior at Eastland School for girls. Angry, competitive, has to finish the story she’s writing before journalism class even though all that’s due today is the topic. Wants to impress journalism teacher, who she believes is out to get her.

Facts takes on the issue of incarcerated parents (Recap episode 2-12: The Secret)

Recently, I got a comment suggesting that we accept Jo's reformation and stop pigeonholing her as a criminal. I so, so appreciate the place where this person's comment comes from. The law enforcement and criminal court system in this country (which have very little to do with justice) is, frankly, offensive. One really small thing we can all do is stop letting letting the word "convicted" ruin someone's life. People say, "Don't be a criminal! It's that simple!" as if the entire world continues to be open to you when you have to check that goddamn box. Defining someone by their history despite substantial evidence of change is bullshit and is the sort of thing that keeps people who have been convicted of certain offenses from being able to participate in society in the way required to avoid a life of crime.

I give Jo shit because her reformation was an essential part of her character, yet she continues to fake IDs for the girls and commit other petty crimes throughout the series, all the way through Season Nine when she commits a crime on purpose so she can spend the night in lockup because she doesn't have another plan.

But none of this is real, and the flippant way I talk about Jo being a criminal is not a thing I'd do about a real person. It's extraordinarily important to remember that people who go to jail or prison are still people, and they can't improve their lives if you don't give them a chance to do so. If this issue moves you, please consider getting involved with or donating to an organization that helps ex-offenders reintegrate; or one that works toward removing some of those barriers to reentry. If you need some pointers, please feel free to contact me.

The thing is, this episode is particularly prime for a recall to Jo's history of criminality and bad judgment through a "like father, like daughter" joke. Jo has received this year's Best New Student award despite having gotten herself and three of her classmates arrested and put on probation at school; had to work off a shoplifting beef at a department store; and tried to run away to get married to her (extremely hot) boyfriend in the middle of the night in the dead of winter. I'm not saying it's impossible; indeed maybe those things helped her to win the award, if it was decided by popular vote. 

Jo's Crime Spree Continues (Recap episode 2-6: "Shoplifting")

Joanna Marie Polniaczek is the tough girl with the brain of a genius and the heart of  a lion. She was an important role model to me, and, I've heard, to other LGBTQ or otherwise gender-nonconforming people.

But it is an unavoidable truth that sister is a criminal.

Her crime spree started in her very first episode where she faked IDs and stole the school van to get to a bar. Although she softens and learns lessons that ultimately lead her to Valedictorian status and a generally erudite life, Jo never really stops her reign of fraud.

Here we are in Jo's first season, and we're already on her third crime. Tsk Tsk.

We open with a heternormative throw-away comment and typical Jo/Blair sniping. Jo earns my wrath for the following exchange:

Richard Moll? That's Bull!

TV junkies may already know about the Tommy Westphall Universe. Here is my commentary on the argument that The Facts of Life fits into it.

In an unrelated turn of excellent events, a friend of mine mentioned on Facebook that he was watching Night Court. Oh, how I used to love that show. I asked if he knew which Night Court regular appeared as himself on two episodes of Facts.

It's not a big secret but also not necessarily common knowledge.

In the two-part opener of season nine of Facts, Richard Moll appears as himself, and when they meet in the police station in Malibu, Jo ends up housesitting for him. It includes a predictable but funny joke:

Jo: "I'm housesitting for Richard Moll."
Tootie: "Richard Moll? That's Bull!"
Jo: "No, really."

Snerk.

But what we do know is that Night Court is a fictional show that exists in the Facts of Life universe.

It turns out that Night Court isn't in the Tommy Westphall universe, so this revelation doesn't really mean anything, other than that perhaps Night Court is the proverbial dream within a dream within a dream.

Also, I heart the 80s.

Jo's Clothes - A descent into madness

Newsflash: Jo dresses like shit.

There are times when, good Lord, I just want to punch whoever dressed her.

It definitely occurred to me to feel guilty about judging her, because we know she's poor and of course clothing options may be limited, but you can make a better match at any thrift store, and I'm not sure there's any excuse for that skirt.

Recap episode 2-3 "Double Standard" or Rich dick gets skewered

One of the best things that ever happened to me at law school was when I found out that one of my classmates reads this blog. It was his birthday last week, so, as I did last year, I shall recap the episode of his choice, and it's a doozy.

We open with the girls, minus Blair, playing Scrabble while Mrs. G looks on and sort of backseat Scrabbles, much to Jo's annoyance. Enter Blair, with one of her patented white-boy-with-chiseled-features boyfriends.

Short Engagements: What do I have in common with Mrs. Garrett and Jo?

According to wedding website The Knot, the average engagement is fourteen months. Tootie was likely engaged for something like that. She got engaged in episode 9-7 and was still engaged, planning her wedding, when the series ended. Victor and I were engaged for two months. There's no right or wrong, of course, but you know which other engagements were short? The other ones on Facts! Casual viewers may not remember that besides Tootie's engagement, there were three weddings planned (and two executed) in the course of the series: two for Mrs. Garrett (one that took) and one for Jo. And then there was mine.

Also starring: the corresponding spouses.

I know. Them's some white-ass muthafuckas.

Couple number one: Edna Garrett and Ted Metcalfe. Wedding scheduled for episode 6-17 "Two Guys from Appleton."

Couple number two: Edna Garrett and Bruce Gaines. Wedding scheduled for episode 8-1 "Out of Peekskill."

Couple number three: Jo Polniaczek and Rick Bonner. Wedding scheduled for episode 9-19 "Till Marriage Do Us Part."

Couple number four: Vikki and Victor. Wedding scheduled for December 31, 2015.

Before I continue, please note that photos from my wedding are courtesy of Elizabeth Livingston and Cindy McElhiney, dear friends who photographed the event.

Background

Edna and Ted

Edna and Ted were high school sweethearts. They had dated for a year and a half when Ted gave Edna his pin and they enjoyed their first kiss. Two and a half years later, they were supposed to go to a dance together. Ted was late because he got held up working at his father's hardware store. (NB:When George Clooney appeared in season eight he also worked at his father's hardware store. This comes from Charlotte Rae's memories of her father's own hardware store.) While she was waiting for Ted to pick her up, a vacuum cleaner salesman came by the door, and she was smitten. So she dumped Ted's ring on his doorstep and never talked to him again.

Recap episode 5-23 "Seems Like Old Times" or: The tragic conclusion of the Ballad of Jo and Eddie

Sorry about the delay, dear readers, but I assure you that I've been working on something awesome if it comes to fruition. It's not related to the delay; the delay is only because I've been partying at Riot Fest in both Denver and Chicago. But I swear you'll totally forgive me for the delay if my thing happens.

Regardless, we have a tragic ballad to finish. We've been with our star-crossed lovers during their aborted attempt to elope and during their heartbreaking realization that it would be best for both of them to see other people. Although Jo's attraction to Bob, her simulated husband, was a contributing factor to the pseudo-breakup, she doesn't continue to see him and we never hear of him again. I understand that. No matter how much she liked him, it would have been incredibly painful to pursue anything with him after his being so entangled in the Eddie situation. But she went out with a dude whose name I forget in season four's "A Woman's Place," and she dated rich boy Bill in season five's brilliant "Just My Bill." Eventually, she would be the only one of the core four to get married on the show, wedding Rick Bonner in season nine. I desperately want to call Rick a poor, poor substitute for the glorious Eddie Brennan, but alas, it was Eddie himself who destroyed his reputation with his own poor judgment. Poor Eddie. Poor beautiful, dumb Eddie.

We know how it ends. Let us watch as it unfolds.

Recap Episode 3-7 "Sweet Sorrow" or: Eddie Brennan returns

In the middle of season two, we met the man that could melt Jo's steel heart. By the end of that two-part episode, Jo had decided that it was a bad idea to get married at 16 without having finished high school, and last we saw, a heartbroken Eddie Brennan was catching the midnight bus back to his base in Chicago.

Though their relationship status was ambiguous at the end of that episode, it's clear at the beginning of this episode that they're very much still together. Eddie paces the Eastland cafeteria, waiting for Jo's return from class.

Recap episode 2-8 "Teenage Marriage, Part 2 or: Then Jo Ran Off with Eddie

Previously on The Facts of Life:

When we last saw Jo and Eddie 
They was runnin' off to wed
Blair 'n' Edna tried to stop 'em
But they pushed 'em close instead
Jo said, "Only Eddie gets me!"
Eddie said, "Babe, say 'I do!'" 
And they rushed right out of dinner
And so now I bring to you...

...the conclusion of "Teenage Marriage."

Recap episode 2-7 "Teenage Marriage, Part 1 or: The Ballad of Jo and Eddie

Last week while catching several Facts episodes on Logo with my sister (more on how Logo hacks up the episodes in another post), we ran across all but one episode featuring Jo's first true love: Eddie Brennan.

C'mon, isn't he a heartthrob? Those eyes! That gentle, loving face! That precious overbite! In 1981, this was exactly the dude whose picture we ripped out of Tiger Beat and hung on our walls. He's way hotter than anyone Blair ever dated. I had a hell of a crush on him. I also had a crush on Mike Reno of Loverboy at the time. 

And this is my dude/boyfriend/partner whatever is one's preferred term for an unmarried committed opposite-sex bedfellow.

What can I say, I like cute, friendly-looking white guys with blue eyes.

Eddie was the first of the girls' boyfriends to recur, and I know I wasn't the only one pining for him. Facts gave us Eddie as a great character whose stagnation helped to highlight Jo's growth, and then whose own growth broke all of our hearts. Even as we knew that their lives were heading in different directions and that it was best for them to go their separate ways, we wanted Jo and Eddie to work out. We wanted an Eddie of our own, who would come back after a separation and just explode with chemistry, and we were devastated when it became clear that it just was not going to work out.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Because this was such a poignant saga, and because it's one of very, very few continuing story arcs in the series, I've decided to recap the arc's episodes back to back, and take you with me on the painful journey that is: The Ballad of Jo and Eddie.

Graduation: Part 2 or: Some things never change

When we last left our heroines, everyone was fighting with everyone on the eve of Blair and Jo's high school graduation. I mentioned that a giant multi-family fight sounds like an average graduation to me. I also noted that my family didn't have even one fight during my law school graduation, and speculated that perhaps when the graduate is old, the family is less likely to fight. A few days after my graduation, I went to my niece's high school graduation, and gathered another data point in support of my hypothesis: we fought. I'll keep my eyes open for more data.

Now, though, we'll return to Eastland, where it is graduation day, and Natalie and Tootie handle the entire breakfast service while Jo and Blair sullenly pick at their food. Tootie and Natalie are clearly still hurt from the previous day's drama. Blair and Jo's apologies are on the aggressive side, and it appears that things are about to get heated again, but the graduates realize that the graduation is just making everyone tense. Blair sincerely apologizes to Natalie for mocking her diary, and Tootie drags an apology out of Jo for saying that there's nothing about Eastland that she wanted to remember.

Graduation: Part 1. No subtitle necessary

If you are reading this, you probably know that I've been in law school. I started the blog during the lag time between the end of my summer internship and the beginning of school last summer, then progress dropped off last semester, because it was a horrible semester. This semester I finally did #3lol right, and I was able to keep up a weekly post pretty regularly.

On Friday I graduated. I put on the goofy cap and gown and walked across the stage of the Chicago Theater.  

That whole ritual with the expensive robes and silly hats and solemnity and all is pretty weird, but it was kind of exciting to get to be on stage at the Chicago Theater. Not as cool as it would have been singing with Follies Band, but still pretty cool.

I've been trying to recap a graduation episode for over a week now; it seemed apropos. My complete series DVDs are in my mountain home in Colorado, so I can only recap episodes in seasons 1-5, for which I had backup DVDs in Chicago. So I will be recapping Blair and Jo's high school graduation, and that DVD has traveled with me from Chicago to the Denver metro area to New Mexico, where I am now for my neice's high school graduation. It's a busy time. The important part of this paragraph is that I have backup Facts of Life DVDs.

Recap Episode 2-2: "The New Girl - Part 2" or The completion of the introduction of JO FREAKING POLNIACZEK

Back in September, I treated you all to a recap of the episode where we are finally introduced to our tough-talking, motorcycle-riding, fist-clenching, gender-nonconforming heroine, Jo. Then the sky fell and I dropped out of blog world for a while, so apparently I never told you what happened! Better late than never, they say, so I present to you the conclusion of THE EPISODE WHERE WE FINALLY GET JO.

When we last saw our friends from Eastland, they were getting arrested at the Chugalug bar after stealing the school van and getting it wrecked so they could drink underage and pick up dudes. The arrest wasn't a foregone conclusion though, until 7th or 8th grade Tootie decided to pour a pitcher of beer on a cop.

 

And now, the conclusion of "The New Girl."

Recap Episode 2-1: "The New Girl - Part 1" or HELLS YEAH WE FINALLY GET JO!

I haven't put up a new post in a couple of weeks due to vacation followed by the opposite of vacation. But now that I have given my presentation to complete my summer class and I'm a week into fall classes and the National Lawyers Guild conference is over, I am excited to be back in the Facts of Life blogging biz. And what better way to come back to the table than by bringing you what I know you've all been waiting for.

JO FREAKING POLNIACZEK

After season 1, apparently the powers that be felt that there were too many girls on the show and they were going to streamline it. Blair was the standout star, so she stayed. Presumably they kept Token Tootie for racial diversity, and Natalie and Tootie kind of went hand in hand. According to Molly Ringwald, her "Molly" character was supposed to be the fourth girl, but they decided to go with a new character, Nancy McKeon's "Jo," instead. And so it was that we gender non-conforming, wannabe tough talkers got a childhood idol.